For those of you who know me well you know that I've been going through a bit of a hard time. If you follow me on Facebook I've alluded to this season of loss. If by chance you don't know me well then I'll spare you the details but just tell you that 6 months ago my little world that I had created shattered around me and I'm still sorting through the pieces. I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to piece back together and what God wants me to leave on the ground, right where it shattered.
I think God works in wonderful, glorious ways. And I know that He knows what He's doing. Every single step of the way. With that said, I don't think a single person who's reading this that can say that there hasn't been a time where they seriously questioned his ways. I remember specifically driving in my car one day, I was so angry. Angry at what happened, angry because it felt like God must have forgotten about me and angry for having those feelings. Even through that anger I was crying out to Him, begging him for clarity-- I realize now how beautiful it was that in those devastating moments I was still seeking Him. He was still my strength.
During the first few months I just wanted to hit rock bottom, I begged God to bring me to the bottom because I just wanted to start working my way back up. Several times I thought I hit the bottom and then I realized I wasn't there yet. I've hit the bottom. I'm slowly working my way back up.
I think I've finally reached a place of peace.
Don't be confused, this peace isn't equal to a place of complete happiness or joy. It's just peace. Peace in the circumstances. Peace in my heart. Peace in knowing that God has always had my best in mind. Peace in the promise that God will NEVER leave me or forsake me. Peace in knowing, really knowing that God alone knows what the rest of my life looks like.
I've worried so much about the future and how it's going to look. Would I ever be able to move on? Would I ever feel normal again? Would I ever be happy? These are dark thoughts that have crossed my mind on many occasions. But I've chosen to let these thoughts go and to simply trust God and His promises; to dwell in Him and to focus on the truth. I've let go of the dissatisfaction and anger with His plan. He has a beautiful plan for my life, yours too. What's holding you back from letting go of all the things that are causing you to doubt Him?
I can't go back and change how I started to walk down this road and I wouldn't if I could. I've learned so much, I've come so far. I have a much better understanding of what it means to fully trust God and to let go of control of my own life. To surrender to His ways. I'm grateful that I've learned these things.
This road I'm on, the friends and mentors I have, the steps I'll take tomorrow and even next year are all perfectly ordained by Him and I am immensely grateful that I am able to serve such a mighty God, that He will use me as He sees fit and that He loves me enough to do whatever it takes to make sure my eyes are fixed on Him.
It feels good to be moving forward.
Maybe you're waiting for something... Anticipating what is to come. Anxiously seeking out what will be the next chapter of your life. I am praying for you. God will meet you where you are. He is not surprised by what is happening in your life. He knows what will happen next. Try to rest in that.
XOXO,
K
"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises." - Oswald Chambers' Gracious Uncertainty
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